Hi ladies, if the above headline didn’t make you whisper to yourself and say “such”, before moving on to some other more pinkey girlie stuff, then you’re here to see behind the mind of the enemy, and plan how to wickedly sneak into your man’s weekend plans. Sharp girl. But sorry to spoil your plans. This will not help your cause. That brief moment when your man puts down this article and stares ahead, see that distant look that comes into his eyes? It simply means that for that brief moment, he’s not your kind, loving pinkey bunny. He’s in Badt GuyLand, a place where he has wild sex with all your hot best friends while swimming in an ocean of Star Lager, and smoking the sweetest, cheapest marijuana ever found in the Lagos weed market. For that brief moment, he’s what nature has wired him to be; a pervert.
So if you haven’t dropped this article out of righteous disgust and placed a silent curse on my name, then congratulations! You just lost your ability to escape my awesomeness, so “DuuuuH” you’re in my grasp and I’m quite a boring lover because you will learn that…
1. A Guy’s Weekend Is Sacred! Never Spoil It
Guys are slaves. Slaves to Money (an evil master which always wins the battle to outlive them), slaves to their ego (which you must always strive to caress. Just constantly tell him he’s the strongest man alive, even if he has chicken muscles and will probably get beaten by your teenage brother. You accepted him, chicken muscle and a poverty of six packs. So you love no packs. Praise him), and finally, slaves to a relaxing weekend. If after spending a stressful….hours trying to serve his master money, you find a way to deceive the poor laborer into having to put up with your flowery perfume and tireless vocal cords all weekend, instead of allowing him hang with his fellow depraved friends and scream ‘my girlfriend’ jokes, while trying to hook up with a stranger who has HIV as her mildest disease, then my! You are a special kind of loving girlfriend. The type who crowds his space and prevents him from having the simple pleasures of life. If he secretly grunts to himself and still tolerates your long tales about fashion, celebrities and shit, then do your part. Make him happy with lots of,…er…you know na! Don’t spoil the weekend. Never spoil his weekend!
“You know na”
2. Guys Need Their Mama!
Even though 80% of the time I want nothing more than to bloody their nose, experts (in psychology and big grammar) say that men always will be boys. That’s why their mama still knows how to press their ‘mumu button’ and make them dump any girl that chews more gum than cook more food. Reason because there’s a soft spot in his brain that forever remains open to their mother. It’s not because she carried him for nine months and fed him fat on a special kind of self-generated milk, it’s because he fell in love with her by age 5. Not the pristine love, but the kind he feels for you. It’s called Oedipus Complex (thanks to the big grammar expert, and it was named after some lovesick guy who sent his father to heaven and fell into bed with his mama). So you have to kill that complex. Hold that thought! You don’t kill his mama, evil lady. You kill that Complex, by replacing it with your own. Make him love you like he loves his ‘mummy’. Bath him, wash his clothes, soothe his worries, simply put, do all his mama did for him except flogging him. Never do that, please! It’s dangerous for your health. Leave the flogging to the real mother. That’s God’s special privilege to all Mothers.
And never you beat him in PS2
3. Never Disrupt His Football
If your boyfriend hates football (and he’s not gay), then skip this number. But if he’s a Man Utd fan, then this will probably help you: Thou Shalt Not Disturb His Football!
Manchester United has no idea about the existence of the man you call your boyfriend, but he’ll give up his life for them. Talk about Christ-like love. I know it hurts you to see him devote more time to 22 overpaid athletes instead of singing and telling you how his hearts skip a beat each time he perceives your scent, but please on no account should you mess up his only chance to connect with his idols. You probably don’t know this so let me give you a bit of an education. Watching a football match is more than a recreational activity. It’s a religious experience, more like him connecting with God. So next time you see him open-mouthed and concentrated,dripping sexy saliva while staring at the screen, just know never to chip in with that your tiny voice: ‘Honey my butt hurts’. Never!
He also wishes for one night with Van Persie
5. Don’t Fall Ill, When You’re With Him
Your mama died of breast cancer, your sister died of Sickle Cell disease, and your dog died of malnourishment. So you are convinced you have a strong case when you repeatedly fall ill during the weekend with him. He takes care of you, loves you, buys you drugs, cooks for you, even get to sing a get-well poem for you, while you lie there with malaria, or typhoid, or both malaria and typhoid. But while you’re there feeling all loved and pampered, praying you never get well, do you know you’ve made a good man’s weekend change from a Guiness Time, to Dr. Boyfriend’s time. He’s dying inside to go hang with some beer-buddies, but he can’t leave you because he’s…er,..commited to you, so he stays out of duty and a sense of love and nurses you back to health. Nice Guy. But if all he remembers from a weekend with you is the smell of Artesunate and Agbo, then he’ll seek to avoid you. Next time you have a case of light-headedness, stay home. Don’t put a good man through hell and tears and medical school. Because that’s the recipe for a nasty breakup.
Kiss me or I die!
5. Never Ignore Him!
There’s a reason I saved this for the last. Because I love to save the worst for the last, baybay. Due to some innate wiring of yours and the lessons you learned from your watching your mom play housewife, you’ve perfected the ultimate weapon to make a sane man mad! The weapon of ‘Blanking’ him out. The only thing a guy hates more than hearing you chatter endlessly about your life, is when you don’t talk at all. It kills him, tears his senses up and turns him into a functioning mad man. So if you know you can’t give him the lesser of the two evils, then avoid his weekend. Don’t make a good man suffer, even if that good man is an insufferable jerk, and throws cans of beer and dirty socks all over the place, he doesn’t deserve the capital punishment of malice. Be merciful, okay!
“I feel crazy, my dreads are standing, time to find love online”
Phheeew! That was one long one. Now you all know this, you will never be able to un-know it. Sorry I did this to you. Go ye into the weekend and be good girlfriends.
And just in case you think I’m unfair to the ladies, then click here to erase that thought!
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